Last-Chance-Texaco

They are far worse than the nastiest, most ravenous, palest-faced B-movie zombies ever concocted in the history of Film anywhere in this or any other hemisphere. They used to wet their cribs every night dreaming of exactly what they have unleashed these last eight years. They have secretly inserted little How-to-create-scary-and-ever-increasingly-disgusting-assholes microchips deep within the sub-consciences of Dario Argento, Clive Barker, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Stephen King, Charles and Marilyn Manson, George Romero, Rob Zombie, and O.J. Simpson, to name a few, to make sure We the People have some bizarre point of reference. They have rewritten the U.S. Constitution for just such unnatural purposes. They are fucking relentless.

The torturous Bush/Cheney Last-Chance-Texaco/Rewrite-Recent-History Road-show is up, currently running on TV News Channels near you. Not unlike Burger King, the Whoppers are charbroiled, flying off the political grill and splashing down inside the gluttonous collective American gellified belly. You can have it your way, but if you chew it, you taste it – either way you’re puking.

I fucking hate zombies. Even funny ones with bad makeup. Given a choice, I would rather eat fistfuls of raw chuckburger and wash them down with a bottle of cod liver oil than sit through most horror movies. But I would much rather empty Roger Corman’s dungeon vaults and subject myself to every shitty-shit, piece-of-crap, dingleberried flick that ever went straight to video than be forced to relive even five murderous, blood-lusty minutes that these Republican Alien Nosferatus have held office – draining our throats and squishing out through our torsos these past ninety-six months. On every single issue – barf – from failing to read memos, to spinning 9/11, to bombing creepy Taliban-types far from Osama – not to mention a half-million or so innocent Iraqis – to bullshitting the nation and the world about WMDs, to stealing elections, to expanding each consecutive Al Qaeda freshmen class, to polluting the planet and warring for profits, to buying off most of Mass Media, to scribbling over Rumsfeld/Rice’s unreadable roadmaps, to torturing at Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, and anyplace else they can get away with, to suspending Habeas Corpus, to hawking bridges to Nowhere, to spending cash faster than they can chop down forests to make the paper, to watching New Orleans drown from Air Force One, to killing and/or maiming thousands of American servicepersons and then leaving them in tenement hospitals to will themselves well, to lying about Pat Tillman and Christ only knows how many others, to flaying our Interior and frying our individual rights, to moronically over-selling duct tape and color codes, to giving away jobs and shops to any and every foreign country, to auctioning our ports, to illegally wiretapping all communicative electronic products yet invented, to reforming Church with State through false Christianity, to bribing every dirty skinflint in Government, to blowing a few trillion under the table for Occupations, and on and on ad nauseum, to Now, bailing out the rich and infamous, who have already stolen all the money they could carry away during the first seven-and-a-half years of this tricky, trickle-down administration – these soulless psychosluts have sold out whatever was left of Main Street and Wall Street And the Middle Classes And the quarantined American Dream since they usurped power in 2000. Witnessing these gutless undead cunts trying to reinvent themselves on Television the week before Christmas – between Charlie Brown, Football, the Grinch and fat SUV/Fast Food ads – all I can do is continue dry-heaving.

-Robert Francis Cole
Christmas 2008